My Decadent Reasons
by AjAwkwardsauce
Summary: Tori Vega receives five tapes in the mail and upon listening to them she discovers the ten reasons Jade West committed suicide.
1. Intro

**This is a crossover between Thirteen Reasons Why and Victorious. At the end of this chapter I will explain who each character is. **

I push the brown paper covered box over the counter. As far away from myself as I can. It bumps against the woman leaning against the other edge.

"How soon do you want it to get there?" She asks me. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and chew on it nervously.

"It doesn't matter." I shake my head. She nods and takes the package. The same shoebox sat on my porch less than twenty-four hours ago; rewrapped in a brown paper bag and taped with clear packaging tape. Just as I received it, I send it away. Now it is addressed with a different name; the next on Jade West's list.

"How much is it?" I ask. She drops it on a scale and pushes a few buttons on the side. I stare at the screen and wait for the price to be displayed. I hold a coffee cup in my hand and it smells like her. I dig through my pocket and pull out a handful of money. I drop the bills onto the counter and a nickel bounces off and rolls to the ground. As I bend down the clerk says something.

"I'm sorry?" I say when I straighten up.

"Oh, I was just saying that it doesn't seem like your coffee's kicked in yet." She smiles and gestures to my cup. I nod and rub the sleep from my eyes. I try to wake up. But maybe it is best to get through the day half-asleep. Maybe that is the only way to get through today.

"It should arrive at this address by tomorrow." She tells me. "Maybe the day after tomorrow." Then she drops the box into the cart behind her. I should have waited until after school. I should have given Cat one final day of peace.  
Though she doesn't deserve it.

When she gets home tomorrow, or the next day, she'll find a package on her doorstep. Or if her mom gets there first, maybe she'll find it on her bed. And she'll be excited. I was excited. A package with no return address? Did they forget, or was it intentional? Maybe from a secret admirer.

"Do you want your receipt?" The clerk asks. I shake my head and turn around. I exit the post office, walk over the green grass and cross the street to the front grounds of my high school. The sky is too bright. Too happy. I sigh as I make my way through the front doors of Hollywood Arts and take the steps to my first period class.

At the front of the room, facing the students, is Mr. Sikowitz. He'll be the last to receive a package with no return address. In the back of the room, on the right side, one seat in, is the chair of Jade West.

Empty.

**Clay - Tori**  
**Hannah - Jade**  
**Justin - Beck**  
**Alex - Rex (Robbie)**  
**Tyler - Sinjin**  
**Courtney - Trina**  
**Zach - Andre**  
**Ryan - Robbie**  
**Jenny - Cat**  
**Bryce - Ryder  
Tony - Daniel  
****Mr. Porter - Sikowitz**


	2. Yesterday – One hour after school

**I am spacing each chapter out the same way it is in the book, so forgive me if the chapters are short. **

**Yesterday – One hour after school**

A shoe-box sized package sits half unwrapped on the coffee table when I enter the house. In messy handwriting my name and address are scrawled across the brown paper that is around it. There is no return address. My sister Trina walks into the living room and glares at the box before meeting my eyes.

"I thought it was for me. I got a package like that a few days ago." She looks over her shoulder as if she forgot something.

"It's for you though." Her eyes crinkle at the edges as she looks at me angrily. She walks toward the stairs without another word. I shrug. She's been acting weird in the past week. I lift the box into my hands and move to the kitchen. At the table, I rip the remaining paper off and drop it into the garbage can. I pull the lid off of the shoe box and inside are five cassette tapes. I reach for one and hold it in my hand. On the top right corner of each tape a number is scratched onto each side of the plastic. There are five tapes and ten sides. Who would send me audiotapes? No one listens to tapes anymore. Do I even have a way to play them?

I stare at the box in front of me until I remember my father bringing home a boom box with a cassette player from the police station a few months ago. I set the first tape back in the box and carry it into my father's office. The boom box sits over by an overstuffed love seat. I sprawl out on the chair and look at the cassette player. I press eject on the player and a plastic door eases open. I slide in the first tape. Side one.

**Now, remember that Trina is still Courtney, I shortly considered making it so that Trina wasn't Tori's sister, but I figure the story should be more in line with Victorious and loosely based off of TRW.**


	3. Cassette 1: Side A

**Wow, these book chapters are LONG! Nearly 4,000 words and I stopped before the actual chapter ended. Oh well. Enjoy :) Obviously the italics is Jade's voice**

**Cassette 1: Side A**

_Hello, boys and girls. Jade West here, live and in stereo._

My mouth drops open. I cannot believe it.

_No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. _

No. I can't believe it. Jade West killed herself.

_I hope you're ready, because I'm going to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to these tapes, you're one of my reasons why. I'm calling them my decadent reasons. I thought this was very clever because, you see, there are ten of you, and deca as in ten. Like decade or decagram. _

What? No! I reach out and slap the pause button. I'm panting and I can see black spots hovering in my vision. This cannot be real. But what kind of sick joke is this? I inhale deeply and reach out to gingerly push play.

_I'm not saying which tape will bring you into the story. But fear not, if you received this lovely little box, your name will pop up…I promise._

_Now why would a dead girl lie? Hey! That sounds like a joke. Why would a dead girl lie? Give up? Answer: Because she can't get up_

Is this some twisted suicide note? Well, that seems very Jade-esque.

_Go ahead, laugh. Well, I thought it was funny._

Yes, very much like Jade.

_The rules are pretty simple. There are only two. Number one: you listen. Number two: you pass it on. Hopefully, neither will be easy for you._

"Hey, Tori, what are you doing in here?"

"Oh, hey mom!" I jump up from the love seat and slap my hand over the buttons on the player, hoping to hit pause. I assume I did because the cassette stops playing.

"You scared me!" My hand flutters to my chest where I can feel my heart beating erratically.

"What are you doing in here; you know you're not allowed in your father's office without his permission." She waits for an answer, hands on hips.

"Uh, it's nothing; I just have to use the stereo for a school project." My go-to answer for anything. Staying out late? School project. Need extra money? School project. And now, the tapes of a girl. A girl who, two weeks ago, took her precious scissors to her wrists.

School project.

"Can I listen?" She asks.

"It's not mine." I say quickly, as if that is a valid reason for her not to hear the tapes. "I'm helping a friend, it's for history. So boring." I yawn to accentuate my boredom.

"Well, that's nice of you." She looks over her shoulder, just as my sister did earlier. "I'll leave you in peace then." She turns around and leaves, shutting the door behind her. The door clicks shut and I let out a slow sigh of relief. I place my finger over the play button. My fingers, my hands, my arms, my neck, everything feels hollow. Not enough strength to press a single button on the stereo.

I kick the shoebox and flies across the room and out of my sight. I wish I'd never seen that box, or the five tapes inside it. Hitting play that first time was easy. A piece of cake. I had no idea what I was about to hear.

But this time, it's one of the most frightening things I've ever done.

I turn the volume down and press play.

_One: you listen. Number two: you pass it on. Hopefully, neither one will be easy for you._

I guess I rewound the tape when I push a bunch of the buttons before.

_When you're done listening to all ten sides – because there are ten sides to every story – rewind the tapes, put them back in the box, and pass them onto to whoever follows your little tale. And you, lucky number ten; you can take the tapes straight to Hell. Depending on your religion, maybe I'll see you there. _

A pause, she takes a deep breath.

_In case you're tempted to break the rules, understand that I did make a copy of these tapes. Those copies will be released in a very public manner if this package doesn't make it through all of you._

_This was not a spur-of-the-moment decision._

_Do not take me for granted…again._

No. There's no way she could think that.

_You are being watched_.

I pause the cassette again. This is painful. It hurts to listen to her voice. I hardly knew Jade West, sure we shared the same friends. And not long ago, at a party, we made out. But we never had the chance to get closer. And not once did I take her for granted. Not once.

These tapes shouldn't be here. Not with me. It has to be a mistake. Or a terrible, painful joke. Jade West's suicide tapes are getting passed around. Someone made a copy and sent them to me as a joke. Tomorrow at school, someone will laugh when they see me, or they'll smirk and look away. And then I'll know.

And then? What will I do then?

I don't know.

I press play.

_I almost forgot. If you're on my list, you should've received a map._

My heart sinks. I'm on the list. A few weeks ago, just days before Jade took the scissors to her wrists; someone slipped an envelope through the vent of my locker. The outside of the envelope said: SAVE THIS – YOU'LL NEED IT in red felt-tip marker. Inside was a folded map of the city. And a dozen red stars marked different areas around town.

I kept the map in my bag. I meant to ask some of our friends, to see if any of them got one. To see if anyone knew what it meant. But over time I forgot about it.

Until now.

_Throughout the tapes, I'll be mentioning several spots around our beloved city for you to visit. I can't force you to go there, but if you'd like a little more insight, just head for the stars. Or, if you'd like, just throw the map away. I'll never know._

As Jade speaks through the mesh wire speakers, I feel the presence of my bag out in the living room, where I dropped it, beside the coffee table. Inside, crushed somewhere at the bottom, is her map.

_Or maybe I will. I'm not actually sure how this whole dead thing works. Who knows, maybe I'm standing behind you right now. _

I lean forward and prop my elbows on my knees. I let my face fall into my hands and I slide my fingers back through my hair.

_I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. Ready, Mr. Oliver?_

Beck Oliver. He was Jade's first kiss. But why do I know that? Everyone knows that.

_Beck, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. Some girls may beg to differ, you're a gorgeous guy. But to me, just average. And I don't say that to be mean – I really don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend. To this day I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there…and it was amazingly strong._

_When you reach the end of these tapes, Beck, I hope you'll understand your role in all of this. Because it may seem like a small role now, but it matters. In the end, everything matters._

_Betrayal. It's one of the worst feelings._

_I know you didn't mean to let me down. In fact, most of you listening probably had no idea what you were doing – what you were truly doing. _

What was I doing, Jade? Because I honestly have no idea. That night, if it's the night I'm thinking of, was just as strange for me as it was for you. Maybe more so, since I still have no idea what the hell happened. Everything seemed fine. Great even.

_Our first red star can be found on your maps labeled with an A. Go ahead, look for it, I'll wait. _

I pause the tape. This feels weird, it's like some strange interactive game. But it's not a game. I stand up stiffly and hurry into the living room to rifle through my bag and pull out the map. I make my way back into the office before anyone notices. When I turn the tape back on Jade is humming the Jeopardy theme song. I open the envelope and pull the folded up map out. I find the star marked with an A and place my finger on it. It covers a house.

_Did you find it? When we're done with this tape, you should go there. I only lived in that house for a little while, but it's where I lived with my dad, when my parents first divorced. Do you recognize it, Beck? 'Cause you're the one of the only people who knew I lived there._

_That's when I first saw you, Beck. Do you remember? There were only a few weeks until school started and I didn't know anyone. Except for Cat. She was my best friend. You were in love with her. She told me you were all over her the previous year. Not literally all over her – just staring and accidentally bumping into her in the halls. _

_I mean, those were accidents, right?_

_Cat told me that at the end-of-school dance, you finally found the nerve to do more than stare and bump into her. The two of you danced to every slow song together. And pretty soon, she told me, she was going to let you kiss her. The very first kiss of her life. What an honor!_

The stories must be bad. Really bad. That's the only reason the tapes are passing on from one person to the next. Out of fear.

Why would you want to mail out a bunch of tapes blaming you in a suicide? You wouldn't. But Jade wants us, those of us on the list, to hear what she has to say. And we'll do what she says, passing the tapes on, if only to keep them away from people not on the list.

"The list." It sounds like a secret club. An exclusive club.

And for some reason, I'm in it.

_I wanted to see what you looked like, Beck, because until then, I really hadn't noticed you. So we called you from my house and told you to come over. We called you from my house, because Cat didn't want you to see her brother. You know, 'cause he's crazy. You were playing ball – I don't know if it was basketball, baseball, or what – but you couldn't come over until later. So we waited. We sat in my front bay window, talking for hours, when all of a sudden you and one of your friends – hi, Andre! – came walking up the street._

Andre? Andre Harris? Andre is my best friend. Andre wouldn't have done anything to Jade. They were great friends. We all were…weren't we?

_Two streets meet in front of that house, like an upside down T, so you were walking up the middle road towards us. _

I push pause. Wait. Wait. I need to think.

I pick some lint off of the love seat. Why am I listening to this? I mean why put myself through this? Why not just pop the tape out of the stereo and throw the entire box of them into the trash.

I swallow hard and tears sting at the corner of my eyes.

Because it is Jade's voice. A voice I thought I'd never hear again. I cannot throw that away.

And because of the rules. I look at the tape near my foot on the floor, one of them that spilled out of the shoebox when I kicked it. Jade said she made a copy of each of these tapes. But what if she didn't. Jade always said stuff just to mess with you. Maybe the tapes stop, if I don't pass them on, that's it. It's over. Nothing happens.

But what if there's something on these tapes that could hurt me? What if it's not a trick? Then a second set of tapes will be released. That's what she said. And everyone will hear what's on them.

I roll the lint between my fingers.

Who's willing to test her bluff?

She always had the best poker face.

I press play.

_You stepped out of the gutter and planted one foot on the lawn. My dad had the sprinklers running all morning so the grass was wet and your foot slid forward, sending you into a split. Andre had been staring at the window, waving at us, and he tripped over you, landing beside you on the curb. _

_You pushed him off and stood up. Then he stood up, and you both looked at each other, not sure of what to do. And your decision? You ran back down the street while Cat and I laughed like crazy in the window. _

I remember that, when I first started going to Hollywood Arts, Cat told me about how she thought it was so funny. That was before I first met Beck and Jade. I accidentally spilled coffee on Beck and when I was trying to get it off of him Jade came in the room. And I thought she was so pretty. But she yelled at me because I was rubbing on her boyfriend. God, I was so stupid.

_Cat fell in love with someone else, and I fell in love with the boy she let go. And it wasn't long before that boy started showing an interest in me. We shared a lot of classes together. But seating arrangements made it difficult for conversation. West wasn't too far from Oliver but far enough to keep us from discussing anything._

I was even stupider because I kissed Beck. I don't know why, I didn't like him. I didn't even know him. I wanted to see what she would do.

_After a while, I managed to say hello. And a little while later, you managed to say it back. Then, one day, I walked by you without saying a word. I knew you couldn't handle that, and it led to our very first multiword conversation. _

"_Hey!" you said. "Aren't you going to say hello?" _

_I smiled, took a breath, then turned around. "Why should I?"_

"_Because you always say hello"_

_I asked why you thought you were such an expert on me. I said you probably didn't know anything about me._

Well, she did something, alright. She poured coffee on me. I wanted to leave after that. I wanted to get the hell out of Hollywood Arts. I was only convinced to stay because of Andre. Normal is boring.

_When you asked for my number, I gave it to you. You were the first boy to ever get my number. Sure, other guys had asked, but I had always switched the numbers up. Your hand was shaking so badly when you were writing it down that I thought you were going to screw it up. And I was not going to let that happen. I pointed at the number you were writing. "That should be a seven" _

"_It is a seven."_

"_Oh. Well, as long as you know it's a seven."_

"_I do." You said. But you scratched it out anyway and made an even shakier seven. _

My mother calls through the door and I hit pause again.

"Yes?"

"I want you to keep working," she says, "but I need to know if you're having dinner with us." She yells through the door. She never makes dinner. Ever. I look down at the map. At the big letter A marked with red felt-tip marker.

"No, I'm heading to a friend's house. For his project."

"That's fine. I'll probably just order take-out then." I'll go to the first spot on the map. To where the star covers a house and is labeled with an A. But before that, when this tape is over, I'll go to Daniel's.

I don't classify Daniel as a close friend, at least not anymore. Not after I broke up with him and I left Sherwood High School. But occasionally I see him. I know where he lives at least. And most important of all, he owns an old walkman that plays tapes. A yellow one with a skinny plastic headset that I'm sure he'll let me borrow. I'll take the tapes with me and listen to them as I walk through Jade's old neighborhood, which is only a block or so from Daniel's.

I push play on the stereo.

_By the time I got home, you had already called. Twice. My dad didn't usually get home until a few hours after I did so I remember pushing play on the recorded messages. Your voice was so awkward on the first one. "Uh, Jade, hi, it's Beck. Uhm, can you call me back?" You actually asked if I would call you back and then you spilled out your phone number and hung up. In the next message you seemed a little cooler. "Jade, I have a question about math I want to ask you. Call me back."_

She was imitating his voice and she was doing a good job with it.

_I called you back and when you answered the phone, I said, "Beck? It's Jade. You had a math problem?" You were confused, but eventually you remembered lying and, like a good little boy, you apologized. "So, what was your math problem?" I asked. You weren't getting off that easy. And you didn't miss a beat. You told me Train A was leaving your house at 3:45 PM. Train B was leaving my house ten minutes later. I said "Pick me Mr. Oliver! I know the answer." And you called on my name. "Yes, Miss West?" I told you that the two trains would meet at the park at the bottom of the rocket slide. _

What did Jade see in him? I never got that. I mean, I understand that he is attractive, but to some of us, he was completely average.

"_So when do the trains meet?" You asked me, and I told you, "fifteen minutes." You said fifteen minutes seemed awfully slow for two trains going full speed. I know what you're all thinking, Jade West is a Slut. Oops. Did you catch that? I said, "Jade West is," Can't say that anymore._

She stops talking. I stare at the stereo and it starts a dull hiss.

What is she thinking? At that moment, are her eyes shut? Is she crying? I've seen her cry before. It's almost scary to see someone that strong cry. Is her finger on the stop button, hoping for the strength to press it? What is she doing? I can't hear anything.

_Wrong._

Her voice is so angry that it shakes.

_Jade West is not, and never was, a slut. Which begs the question, what have you heard? I simply wanted a kiss. I was a freshman girl who had never been kissed. Never. But I liked a boy, he liked me, and I was going to kiss him. That is the story – the whole story – right there. _

I heard a few different stories about Jade when I first came to Hollywood Arts. But I ignored them. I knew they were lies. None of them could be true about her. But the story I heard about Beck and Jade in the park was the very first story I had ever heard. Jade took her shirt off and let Beck put his hands on her. That's it. That's what I heard happened in the park that night.

_I was so anxious about what kind of kiss it would be – because my friends in my old school had described so many types – and it turned out to be the beautiful kind. You didn't shove your tongue down my throat. You didn't grab my ass. We just held our lips together…and kissed._

_And that's it._

_Wait. Stop. Don't rewind. There's no need to go back. Because you didn't miss a thing. Let me repeat myself. That…is…all…that…happened._

_Why, did you hear something else?_

A shiver races up my spine.

Yes, I did. We all did.

_Oh. So sorry. You wanted something sexier, didn't you? You wanted to hear how my itchy little fingers started playing with his zipper. You wanted to hear…_

_Well, what did you want to hear? Because I've heard so many stories that I don't know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular._

_The truth._

Sometimes, before she died, guys would stare in silence at her until she passed them and when she did they would burst out laughing.

_So thank you, Beck, sincerely. My very first kiss was wonderful. And the month or so before our first break up was wonderful. But in that week, those five days, before we got back together you started rumors. When we got back together I was oblivious. But eventually, as they always will, the rumors reached me. And everyone knows you can't disprove a rumor. I know what you're thinking. A rumor based on a kiss made me kill myself. No. A rumor based on a kiss started a reputation that other people believed in and reacted too. _

_Turn the tape over for more. _

I reach towards the stereo, ready to press stop.

_And Beck, honey, stick around. You're not going to believe where your name pops up next. _

I hold my finger over the button, listening to the soft hum in the speakers, the faint squeak of the spindles winding the tape, waiting for her voice to return.

But it doesn't. The story is over.


	4. In between 1

I leave my house with a goodbye to my mother, she doesn't answer, she's too absorbed by the show she is watching. I hold the tapes and the map in my purse and I walk slowly to Daniel's house. I take my time and think about her. Jade was always so beautiful. I don't even think she tried to be. She just was. The way she always changed the streaks in her hair made me smile. It was a little surprise every time I saw her. She was just so pretty and every time I saw her I wanted to tell her. You are pretty. I only told her it a few times. Far less than I wanted to.

When I get to Daniel's house it looks empty and I'm afraid that no one will be home. I walk up to the door and lift my hand to knock on the door. It is pulled open before my hand has a chance to make contact with the wood.

"Tori?" He sounds surprised, and I would be too, if I were him and in his shoes. My hand is still in the air and it lowers slowly as I think about what I want to ask.

"Hey, Daniel…" I pause and look behind him; it looks like he is on his way out. "Can I borrow your walkman?" I ask. It's yellow. I think. I want to tell him this, but I know he knows what color it is. He stares at me. He stares for a very long time without saying a word and I can't help but think that he must be on the tapes too. Why else would he watch me like that? But he's never done anything to Jade. I don't even know if they ever talked outside of the time that Cat dated him.

"Sure. It's in my car." He gestures around me. I turn and behind me there is a silver sports car. I'm not really good with cars and so I'm not sure what kind it is but I tell him,

"It is nice." And he nods his head.

"Thanks, I just got it." He pulls his door shut behind him and walks to his shiny car. I follow and after he digs through the backseat he hands me his walkman. Yellow. Just like I remember. I reach for it and make sure to keep my hands from shaking.

"What do you need it for?" He asks. I don't want to be interrogated about these tapes, so I shrug and give him a smile.

"My mom's giving some of dad's old tapes away and I'm supposed to go through and see if any of them are important." I tell him. We stand there for a few seconds in silence, both of us holding the walkman between us, and I can taste the tension. His hand releases the yellow plastic and I drop it in my purse quickly.

"Well, I'll see you around." I give him a wave and hurry off in the direction of Jade's old house. I can almost feel him staring at me as I leave. I walk slowly until his car passes me and heads around a corner. I then stop and pull the walkman and the first tape out of my purse. Then I slide the it into the deck, side two, and shut the plastic door. It takes all my strength to push play.


End file.
